Are you really who you want to be?
I’m a Woman. A person of color (no, not Black) and I’m a Muslim by Choice.
That’s some great combination for a lot of attraction just not always in the positive sense.
Throw in some ‘Single and a lazy millennial’.
Many get judgmental at this point.
May be you are not one of those people.
Also, throw in — wait for it!
‘Minority’ born & living in a country of a different majority religion, where if I were to believe the things happening around me, I stare at the prospective of losing my citizenship and living in the detention camps (I won’t last a day, I know me).
Scary, right?
I also happen to be a Muslim by Birth. Now, what’s the big difference one might ask.
Well, the difference is something like the distance between the earth and the sky (if anyone actually cared to measure that).
Being born a Muslim is not the same as being a Muslim by choice. I can hear the cats agreeing with me on this.
I grew up knowing and practicing the culture of a Muslim household and beliefs. My family was pious (not to be measured by the standards of an Imam or a Rabbi or a Priest). Prayed when and where they could. Fasted. Gave charity. Nice people. Great.
They looked, dressed and spoke like everyone else. There wasn’t any defining Muslim-ness to them except during the Eid days.
They read the Quran, kept their faith to themselves and practiced their obligations. Neat!
Except they couldn’t make me like my Faith.
They had absolutely nothing to do with my ‘likeness’ for Faith.
The Many Definitions to being a Muslim
I grew up without much thought to my religion. All of my friends were non-muslim.
In other words, I was the only Muslim.
The other Muslims I knew were some relatives far away.
I grew up listening as to who people thought was a Muslim.
People who had long beard (No one in my family has).
People who wore a skull cap (The people I know wear it only during prayers).
People who wore a burqa (I never did. Now I think I should wear a burqa but for different reasons. More on that, some other time).
People who went to the Masjid (Mosque) to pray.
Pretty Standard definitions. Though they are only true about some people. Not every single Muslim claims to be all of that. Hello, I’m not!?
There were other definitions too. Some pretty mean ones.
People who —
are outsiders,
don’t belong to this country,
belong to the neighboring country (whatever that means),
kill animals for meat,
celebrate the other team (because they happen to be Muslims)(huh?),
are unpatriotic (just look at the way they disrespect everything!),
will betray the country in the blink of an eye (no, you will never be able to prove your loyalty to this country even if you die),
are terrorists (This — I realized only later in my life, but it is very relevant).
Being like-able is not the best way to grow
Honestly, I didn’t like most of the definitions, so I tried to distance myself with anything related to Muslim.
The harder I tried, the more difficult it became. My name was a big giveaway (Duh!)
Ignorant little human.
I was struggling to belong, to be accepted, not to be treated as the person who everybody looks at differently and speaks about differently.
Too much lime light. I wanted to be popular but not that popular.
I just wanted people to accept me. To be one of them.
I was trying to hide my faith. Make them to like me.
In the process, trying to hide every single moment of my authentic true self.
I was afraid, if I said something or acted a certain way, people would say that was because I was a Muslim, not because of who I was.
So I behaved in a way to please people.
After all, I’m a human and a socially dependent being, shouldn’t I be nice and like-able?
Except it didn’t end up being the best way for me to grow up.
“Care about what people think, and you will always be their prisoner “ — Lao Tzu
I remained quiet most of my life trying to belong. Trying to hide. Trying to please.
Some people even attributed my shyness to my faith.
Afraid of being judged by people every single moment of my life, I missed being me.
Afraid that nobody else will love. Afraid of rejection.
True to that fear, I did not make many friends. I was afraid to talk to people. I was afraid they’ll reject me if they come to know about me. Afraid that I was an outsider that didn’t belong.
Well, after many life-changing and ego-humbling experiences, I can now confidently say, that I have changed not in the tiniest sense!
Hey, I’m trying!
I’ve greatly improved from being that corner introvert to a more sociable introvert.
Hurray!
Unapologetically or not, I’m who I’m and so are you
I don’t want to know from the Breaking News stories on what my faith is and who is a Muslim and who is not and if my religion is peaceful or not, just because some people choose the evil way.
We as humans are constantly making choices. And of them, the most relevant and one that’s mostly subconscious is the choice of being and doing good, no matter who we are or where we come from.
Learning a little bit about my faith for the benefit of myself has given me some courage to be confident and to not be guilty or embarrassed for being who I’m and doing what I think is best for me. And by this I mean in all aspects of my life. Not just spiritual.
Choosing to be a Muslim in the current climate is a decision that I make every single day. In every single experience of my life. To be or not to be. Especially when there is so much hatred around you and it almost feels like a punishment that you’re drawing upon yourself by being yourself.
What I choose to follow and abide by is very much part of my innate self.
And this article is a tiny reflection of my arduous journey. And to finding my true self.
I sincerely hope that you find yourself too. And live the self that you love for your sake, not for others and definitely not for the stupid societal standards.
Peace!
